My Main Missile

So I think I did get a little side tracked and slipped into some of my old ways, I'm a little bit disappointed but it's really just one step at a time. You see though my mission is to become a more confident woman, in myself and in my sexuality... my most important thing right now is school, and I was swapped for the past couple of weeks. But I got it together now and I will get back to my activities and exercises. Also I'll be looking at other books, for instance:

Which I've been doing a little bit of reading, book seems interesting enough and even though written by a man it's pretty honest and dead on about most women's agendas, insecurities, bitterness, and drama. Not only that but I finally got my hands on:

Now I can see some of you pulling away from me, the thing is. Don't. I've never saw anything wrong with hooking up, though be safe about it and be prepared for consequences that come out of decisions that concern casual sex. Personally, I don't need emotional attachment to a person I sleep with, I've learned how to turn that off and it's kind of refreshing to know that I don't have to worry about a few months later I'm attached to a person. I haven't gotten a chance to read it yet but I'm looking forward to it. lol

Not exactly fasinating or engaging but, hey, for $1.04 it's worth it

And last but not least:

LOL I know right, I still want to at least take a shot for the Navy. And it's mainly the math part I really have to work on, my English and Word recognition was stupid high on the pre-test so why not. This little book, I'll be looking at on my own.

So I hope to be seeing you and before I go I wanna leave you a little food for thought, a quote:

“I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food.” ~Michael Stipe (American Singer & Song Writer)

"Do It in The Snow?! What do I look like... I ain't no god damn eskimo."

I haven't posted anything in a month almost so I figured I'd say what's up. Yet again, things are going a little on the slow side but that's okay, some progress is actually good at least so allow me to give you the dealio.

Exercise 3:

Inviting Your Bad Girl in from the Cold

So find a full length mirror and face it. Look into your eyes and start talking:

"I want to be bad."

"I am bad. Very bad.  Very, very bad."

"I deserve to be bad."

"I ache to be bad."

"I live to be bad."

"Bad is beautiful."

"Bad looks good on me."

"I wear bad well."

Keep going... make shit up.

At first you are gonna feel pretty stupid, I know this... because I've done this, but after you say it a couple times... it feels GOOD. Really really good to say.

Being a bad girl means that you think about sex... most of the time... and to tell you the truth, before this whole journey started, I couldn't think about sex. Or rather, I didn't let myself think about it.

I'd be carrying on with my day, then a fantasy would pop into my head, me and [insert name here] and I'd wonder what it would be like to do this to that person or that and before I could start to think about it for too long, I'd already push away the thought, thinking that it was wrong to see that person in that way and that I have more important things to worry about. So I didn't even give my own thoughts liberation, which is just fucking sad. So starting from February and up until this point, I've been kind of letting myself think and fantasize. I'm going it before I go to sleep, in the shower, and now even  resently as I am walking or driving to class... it's quite liberating and I don't feel guilty about it anymore.

So apparently there are four types of women and four ways to think about sex:

The Bad Girl: Which as you know thinks about sex all the time and is not ashamed that she does. She's completely at ease about her sexuality.

The Librarian: The Bad Girl's POLAR opposite and rather her full time job is to NOT think about it.

The Closet Cleopatra: Kind of the good girl image, dresses PC shops at the Gap kind of girl.

Ms. Christmas Tree: The girl that pretty much looks like she's wearing her sexuality on her sleeve, short skirt. Which for the most part is all show.

Now between these 4 I'm probably right in the middle of The Closet Cleo and Ms. Christmas Tree. I think I'm getting a little better at least.

Where do you think you fit in?

I Wanna See Your Peacock, Cock, cock... =/ ??

So I was sitting here being bored... and after having a quick talk with my cousin. I thought I'd give all my nice guys a lesson on how to be bad... or at least one of those cool witty, you know when you are to nice when... things.


At the same time I'm going to show you a little tutorial, because I'm bored... =/

The Good Guys Tip From a Bad Girl in Training on When Being Good Goes HORRIBLY WRONG

and the very wild peacock make-up

known as "I can't pick a shorter title" Guys and Girls Tutorial

So my mom, told me something that seemed to shape my lifestyle and turned me from this person that gives and gives into a more wiser individual: "You can't make everyone happy, not everyone is gonna be your friend and everyone isn't gonna like you."

What I mean by this is that I used to give my things away to friends that used to come over, maybe because I was a lonely kid and I wanted friends and when she said that I didn't get it... it seemed like it worked, but trying to appease others at the cost of giving myself grief wasn't worth it.

HOW TO IDENTIFY THIS PROBLEM:

1. BEING A PUSH OVER IS NOT BEING NICE

Theres a fine line between being nice and being USED. This is a pattern that will be hard to break because when you are a push over, your abuser pretty much knows that you will do whatever they want you to do.

2. WHEN YOU HAVE TO SACRIFICE YOUR NEEDS AND WANTS AND OTHER PERSON (ABUSER) IS NOT GIVING ANYTHING IN RETURN...

You are more or less being used, and a person that is has been played, knows when someone is playing them. You aren't going to realize it at first, because your good nature is trying to find every reason to defend that person ex: "They are just going through a hard time" or "They just need a little help." Believe me, been there done that. Being nice and civil to this person... theres nothing wrong with that but constantly giving... and giving, AND GOD DAMN GIVING without the person acknowledging the effort you are putting into the relationship (romantic or otherwise) means you are getting played.

Half Way Through January

Nothing much has really changed at this point, I'm kind of the same and I haven't made much progress in that direction, besides I've cut down on the baby voice thing a bit (I still catch myself doing it from time to time). So I thought I ought to at least let you guys know that things are going pretty damn slow.

It's good to be back in SAGNASTY, I missed my college buddies. It's the first week of class and my classes are great.

And then....

FLAT FUCKING TIRE, right when I was getting back to drive back to campus. -Sigh- But whatever, I'm discouraged but it could be worse I guess. But I suppose I blame the dill weed that didn't put a 175/70R14 on my car but instead but something "LIKE" it...note to self... the wrong tire will mess up the WHOLE AXLE SYSTEM... and my ball joint is still fucked.

But to something of relevance to the blog, another exercise?

Exercise 2

Defining Moments in Your Good Girl History

This particular activity is basically you thinking about all the times that your inner bad girl was not encouraged, moments in your life were your sexuality was derailed, shot down, and set aside. So allow me to give you a good examples of my personal experiences with this.

The Talk:

Technically this wasn't about the "Birds and the Bees" this was a three hour discussion with my father about "Good Girls and Bad Girls" (ironic right?) We sat in the kitchen and I listened to him talk about his college years and how he treated women.  He told me that I wanted to be a good girl because they aren't easy and men "RESPECT" that. So as all this filtered into my mind, I didn't want to be considered easy, trampish, or a floozy. There is some truth to this however... if you think "RESPECT" is for a man to think you are a prude... yeah sure.

Masturbation is BAD?!:

Now I've always known that it's not exactly smiled on, but I've always considered it natural. However this is something I wouldn't go around telling anyone that I did. Then in high school, my ex-boyfriend decided to write me a letter, telling my INTIMATE details on how I "fingered myself" and showed it to the girls in my class. It had some other things in the letter, but this was probably the most humiliating thing I had to experience. One of them even looked at me with this nasty look and said "That's just trifling, I don't want her touching me."

Lost Virginity:

As most some often do, loose their virginity in college. I did. At 18 yrs old and I did eventually tell my mom this. She wasn't really mad or anything but she's been keeping it a secret so that no one knows and still thinks I'm a virgin. This upset me more than it did initially, it meant that in her eyes I was still a little girl and that everyone around her thinks I am too. Even at 21, people think I'm STILL a virgin.

There are plenty of other examples I've written down but those are for me so, I'm not going to share everything in my book. The point of this activity is for you to realize that times when your sexuality has been oppressed and possibly express how you feel about it. It wasn't really a fun activity for me having to dig up old emotions and experiences I've sort of pushed out of my mind. But it at least helps me to acknowledge it.

Annoying Things I Have to Put Up with Having an Narcissist Egocentric Friend

I'm not entirely sure if she knows this or not... well I think she does because even she said "I'm right... always, even when I'm wrong, I'm going to argue until I am right." I didn't know she was like this... or at least this came about at some point when we became friends... maybe it was already present or it just wasn't so obvious to me... but I think I'm best friends with an egocentric person.

Here's why I think so:

1.  "I'm right... always, even when I'm wrong, I'm going to argue until I am right."

This speaks for itself, she's never wrong.

2. I do anything, for example, go to a movie (that  she wants to see), spend time with another friend (without her), Go somewhere (without her)... I'm wrong.

This also speaks for itself...

3. She feels the need to posses EVERY (almost, at least the ones she talks to) man she's dated, even if they are in a relationship.

Just yesterday... she got one of her ex's to break up with his girlfriend for a chance (and a fat one at that) to get back with her. She continues to talk to her exs EVEN if the gf doesn't like that.

4. Say there is a guy, that I think is cute... but she doesn't think is, I have bad taste.

Considering her taste in guys...I beg to differ.

5. She has this need to drag me into every situation and hang out time she spends with guys that like HER.

Yesterday, the movies with Vince. Today, hanging out with Mark. Why am I going again? I don't know... this just is a confidence killer for me, why do I want to hang out with a guy that likes you... and didn't want me to come in the first place. Man even my cousin likes her and doesn't like for me to be the tag along so I'm just there when he doesn't want me to be.

6. Hates when a guy doesn't give her attention or even PEOPLE don't acknowledge her presence.

Don't get me wrong, she has good qualities. She's a good friend when you need her to be but I wish there was some kind of way to cut her ego off. Like if there was some kind of therapy for that or something... I wish.

Your Mission Is If You Choose Accept It...

About an hour ago, Toastee looks down at my book and my journal and says: "Are you really going to listen to what a book tells you to do? I mean it's just a book." Somewhat irritated I reply that's not just a book, it's about my confidence and my need to not let myself be oppressed by a social disease... that it was empowering. In an ignorant arrogance, she kind of scoffs "Empowering? It's just a book though. But good luck with that." says the girl who can't decide if being single is good or bad and wants so badly to be married at 20 years old. Wow... thanks... a fucking lot. -SIGH-

BUT I DIGRESS!

Exercise: 1

Writing Your Mission Statement

You will notice that this will be something similar to a mantra. It's at the very top of this blog and it goes a little something like:

"To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with myself and my sexual partner."

Seems simple enough right? That's what I thought as I scribbled it down on my little green notebook, but don't think this will be comfortable... It get's HARDER.

What Are YOU Doing New Years?

Happy New Year, my peoples! =3 I hope that your new year is 10x's better than the one before it.

What kind of new year resolutions did you guys make? Well you know what mine is: THAT'S RIGHT! To get in touch with my inner bad girl. This is going to be a struggle I know and I don't think I'm going to make everyday judgments from my inner bad girl RIGHT away... Being a good girl is a learned behavior.

So here's my list:

1. Get rid of the god-forsaken “Baby Voice”. I didn't notice that I do this thing, were I raise my tone a few octaves and get all whiny. I suppose I do this thing were I regress to like a 5 year old and start whining instead of being more mature and just talking.

2. Stop my Touch-Feely-ness. I really need to get rid of my incessant need to touch and hit and grab. Another immature thing I've kind of held on to.

3. Let go. This one seems a bit more abstract but what I mean by this one in particular, I'm going to let go of someone that I have feelings for, come to terms with my feelings and move the fuck on. I've tried to do this a couple of times, but this time I'm dropping it for good, nothing is worse than holding on to someone that's not yours.

4. If I'm single another day, make it count and have fun with it. Keep a positive attitude and know that being single isn't a bad thing at all. It means you answer to no one and can experience new things and meet new people.

5. Love myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's like being in a relationship with yourself... and though it sounds pathetic and sorry it's not. In order to have a healthy relationship you need: love, respect, honesty and good communication. Love yourself (and this counts for loving ON yourself because it's perfectly healthy to do so), respect yourself, be honest with yourself and keep good communications with your own body heart and mind.

6. Take risks and shed “the shell”. I need to remember that I'm not a turtle... one that pops into it's shell to hide from what seems remotely threatening.

7. Express myself vocally. I have the tendency to hold in my emotions and frustration or complain to one person rather than the person who caused it. I need to express my frustration and deal with the situation head on.

Of course I'm like normal people... I'd like to lose weight or stop eating meat or become a millionaire, but I find these things to be more important. I mean, if I can't love myself then... who will?

Later today I'm going to have the first activity up and ready to go. I hope you guys recover from your hangovers, get out there and live life the way it was meant.

HUGS LOVES AND LOLS